Boundaries in Sex Work

In life, there are a variety of boundaries that one may need to set. These boundaries can include a variety of things such as physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries and many more. Setting any boundary can feel uncomfortable and awkward, whether it's at work or in your personal life. However, it is extremely important to have those difficult conversations to ensure that you're staying true to yourself and getting your needs met without being violated or disrespected. 

As we grow and change as people and professionals, our boundaries will likely change, too. We may find ourselves willing to try something we previously hadn't. Alternatively, we could end up no longer feeling aligned with a specific service/act and decide to stop offering it. Both are valid. Both are okay. You're allowed to change your boundaries whenever you need to and frankly, I encourage you to reevaluate your boundaries frequently. Check in with yourself - body, mind and spirit - to make sure you're still feeling comfortable and aligned with the services you offer.

When I was about 6 months into my career as a stripper, I began working at a full nude club. I was severely unprepared for the way the clients at this club would behave and I had more than one run in with a person who was way too handsy and wouldn't respect my boundaries. I quickly found out that being "sweet and agreeable" while trying to set a boundary was absolutely not the way to go. At first I felt defeated and confused... but then I got angry. I was sick of being violated and disrespected, and I knew something had to change on my end - because clearly, I was not getting my point across. 

I regrouped and decided to change my approach. From there on out, when I was pitching dances, I made sure to make it clear that there was no touching allowed anywhere other than legs/back/arms before we even got to the dance booths. However, as you can imagine, this didn't deter everyone from pushing their luck once the dances began. Now, I am in no way recommending this as a way to deal with handsy customers, but I am going to tell you that I absolutely took matters into my own hands up front. The moment I was touched "below the belt", out came my right hook. I lost count of how many customers I popped upside the head and screamed at to get out of my club. Thankfully, my club always backed me up and the clients I'd had security kick out were permanently banned. 

Was this the best way to deal with it? Maybe, maybe not. It worked though, and I somehow never got in trouble for punching anyone. I don't suggest you resort to violence, but I'm also going to tell you to defend your body by any means necessary until security can take over and get you out of the situation. Thankfully, at my new home club, I've never had to resort to hitting anyone... but I've also gotten a lot better at clearly stating my boundaries up front so that the customers are aware that I'm not a pushover who will allow anything to fly. In addition, my current club has cameras in the dance booths, and I feel that it deters a lot of people from behaving in a way that crosses lines and breaks rules. Some people really hate the cameras, but honestly, I'm grateful that we have them. 

Now, since it's probably not in anyone's best interest to pull a Barbie and smack the shit out of every single handsy customer, let's talk about some ways you can identify and enforce your boundaries. 

Start by identifying your needs: emotional, physical, mental, time-related and financial needs are some of the major ones as a sex worker.

What are your non-negotiables: e.g., no touching - sit on hands, no extras, no touching hair or face, no extremely drunk or drugged out clients, no meets without a screening first, no bareback, no giving out phone number, etc. These are just some examples and the non-negotiables can be anything you're not willing to do. I've also included some things that relate more to FSSW than just dancing in this section to give ideas to those of us who participate in more than one avenue of sex work.

Use clear, open communication up front: You can say "I don't offer ____ as a service", "I do not allow touching of my ____", "My rules are different than her rules", "I will end the service if you can't respect my boundaries", etc. I believe it's important to relay your rules and boundaries up front for your safety. I've seen girls get hurt because they overpromised on the floor and underdelivered during a dance and the customer became enraged. You never think it will happen to you, until it does. Obviously, you're allowed to do what you want and say what you want, but I would recommend being honest about what you offer from the jump in an attempt to save yourself the trouble of a pissed off man who isn't getting the extras he was promised. Please note, I am in no way bashing or demeaning anyone who uses this tactic, I just want to make it clear that I've seen it end badly for more than one dancer in my career, and I want people to be aware that it can happen to any of us - so please be careful when promising and not delivering.

Boundaries for social platforms: For those of us who also engage in online sex work or use our social medias to communicate with clients, it's important to have boundaries here, too. You can have specific time slots when you're posting content or available for texting/video calls. You can have boundaries about what kind of content you post, what kind of customs you make, and what kind of sexting/role plays you will and won't partake in. I wanted to include this because early on in my sex work career, I did full time content creation on OF and because of my lack of boundaries, I burned out quickly, began despising my work and eventually ended up quitting online sex work of any kind altogether. Just because this work isn't "in person" does not mean it isn't difficult and draining in its own unique ways. So, remember to take care of yourself in the online world as well.

Okay, now that you have an idea of what your boundaries may look like, let's discuss how you can hold steady on them and not be pressured or pushed around during a service. 

Hold firm even when pressured: 

• Be a "broken record". Choose a simple phrase such as, "I don't offer that" or "that's not a part of my services", each time the request is brought up. You don't have to justify "why" you don't do that specific thing, simply stating that it's not going to happen can keep you from getting pulled into a debate or an argument.
• Redirect the conversation. You can offer some kind of alternative that doesn't violate your boundaries. Ex: "I'm not offering X, however I can do Y for you instead if that interests you?" This maintains professionalism while also shutting down their request quickly.
• Ending the interaction. If a client continually pressures you, pushes boundaries or violates them, it is 100% okay to end the service/session/call, etc. Remember to ALWAYS get your money up front and in full before beginning ANY service. This ensures that you still receive the full pay you're entitled to even if the service needs to be stopped early. If stopping a service, an exit phrase is a good thing to have ready. Ex: "you've continually disrespected me after I've asked you nicely to stop. We're done here and you need to leave."

How to know when a client is attempting to manipulate you:

• They may try to subtly guilt trip you by saying things like "I thought we had a real connection", "don't you trust me?", "but the girl last time did it". These are all phrases that clients use all the time to try and make you feel bad/mean for saying no. Don't fall for it.
• "Just this once". I've had countless clients use this worn out line when trying to get me to do something I have very bluntly stated not wanting to do. They're testing your limits to see if you'll budge. Don't, because the second you do, the more they'll continue to try and take from you.
• Love bombing/Flattery. Clients may try to butter you up with tons of kind words and compliments before they attempt to push a boundary. At times the compliments may be genuine, but if its immediately followed up with a request you're not comfortable with, remember that it could very well be emotional manipulation at play.
• Undermining your authority. A client might make fun of your boundary, call it stupid or silly, or say something else alluding to them not needing to follow it because they don't agree with it. 

Identifying emotional manipulation in your interactions with clients can be super helpful because it allows you to quickly assess the situation and know if you need to leave before it continues to escalate. When clients are pushing you, the chances are they will continue to push until you finally put your foot down. The sooner you can shut them down and stop them from harassing you, the better. 

Consistency is key:

• Make boundaries a habit for all clients. Don't make exceptions for someone that you're not willing to make for everyone. If and when word gets out, it's just another hassle you'll have with clients who want more than you're willing to give them.
• Don't bend under pressure. The more a client sees you'll bend the more they'll push you.
• Consistency builds trust. Clients will learn your rules and see that you're reliable and professional - not simply operating under impulse to make money. This helps to build a trusted client/dancer dynamic.
• Consistently evaluate your boundaries. Check in with yourself when you feel its right, could be once a week or once a month, but check in and make sure your boundaries are still working for you and you're feeling good about the work you're doing.

There are a few other things I'd like to mention on the topic of boundaries. 

1. Some clients will never, ever respect your boundaries no matter how many times you try to enforce them. Walk away - you don't need those kind of people in your work circle. It's draining, disrespectful and honestly fucking annoying. There will always be someone else who will respect your rules and follow them without hesitation or question.
2. You should have boundaries with staff and co-dancers as well. No, the girls don't need to know every intimate detail of your personal outside-of-work life. Certain things should be kept close to the chest, not everyone has your best interests at heart in the sex work industry. The same goes for staff - be careful how much you share and with whom. You're allowed to not want to talk about some things or talk to certain people. You're allowed to not want to have people knowing where you live or what your other job is. You're allowed to not discuss your relationship, partner, or children with the people at work. Keep yourself safe.
3. Reframe any guilt you may have for setting and enforcing a boundary. You are not "being a bitch" or "being unreasonable" for placing a safeguard that is there to protect you. Remember to thank yourself for setting and maintaining a boundary, it isn't easy and you should be very proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to care for yourself and maintain longevity in the industry.
4. Have some decompression tactics that you employ after work, especially for those tougher days where boundaries may have really been pushed or straight up violated. Do something that calms you down like a hot bath, journaling, coloring, taking a walk, or calling a trusted friend who understands. Remember that you're not wrong for enforcing a boundary, even if it feels hard or uncomfortable. You took care of yourself and stood your ground, that is what is most important. 
5. Not every club you try will be compatible with you and your boundaries, and that's okay. You never need to stay somewhere if you don't feel right about it. Some clubs are shady and managers, staff or even other dancers may pressure you to do things for money that you're not okay with. You're not condemned to stay somewhere that doesn't align with your vision and values, there's nothing wrong with leaving a club in search of one more fitting for you and your needs.

Remember, boundaries exist to keep you safe and healthy. In the sex work industry, it can be easy to become overwhelmed with the nature of our work and disconnect our minds from our bodies just to get through the shifts. Make a habit of it to check in with yourself during your work week and see how you're feeling. Make sure you're honoring your needs and boundaries and modifying them as you see fit. Your body, your choice.