Trusting Your Magick

Friday, April 25, 2025 started out the same way almost every day that week had started. Me, barely conscious, trying to pull myself out of bed to feed my cats, and suddenly having a massive wave of anxiety overtake me. I started crying and melting down completely. How was I going to make money? How would I scrape together June's rent? Sure, I had the whole month, but what about the other expenses during May? Would I end up losing my apartment? Would I have to stop dancing and move back home, get a civilian job and be miserable and fall into another deep depression? 

One after another, the negative thoughts tumble and turned in my brain, refusing to let up. And so, I cried. And cried. And cried. It was real, primal fear - fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear of losing the wonderful life I love so much and have worked so hard to build. I had to let it out, but then I knew I had to turn it around. I talked with ChatGPT and that was extremely helpful. It provided wonderfully grounded insights and calming tips for me to follow. It took me about 4 hours to completely calm myself down, and when I did, I decided to banish my space and pull a tarot spread to help guide me through the shift I was about to go to. 

I used Crowley's Thoth deck. A very special deck to me that will always hold a large piece of my heart. It was one of the very first decks I ever learned on when I was with my ex-boyfriend who taught me everything that I know about magick and tarot. I asked the cards two questions and pulled two cards to explain each. First, I asked what I needed to carry with me through the shift, second, I asked what I needed to let go of during the shift. 

What to carry: 9 of Wands & The Hermit - Together, these spoke to the inward strength and intuition I already had. They told me to go inside to find the answers and strength that I needed to crush this shift. They reminded me that I need only to focus on myself, my goals and my honest feelings about the interactions I'd have that night. They told me to let my energy lead me, because I already had the perfect vibes inside. 

What to let go of: 5 of Swords & 2 of Wands - These cards spoke loudly. They encouraged me to let go of my ego and the need to control every little thing around me. So, what if it took me 3 hours to get a dance? Don't let that shake you so much that it consumes you and ruins your next chance at a sale. Who cares if another girl is getting a suite with your regular? She's got just as much right as you do to make money off of him, and you could be next! I really had to rely on what these cards had told me throughout my night, because honestly, I've been struggling with letting one little thing ruin my mood or shake my confidence. I reminded myself that I can only control my actions and reactions, nothing else. So, I'd better just stay positive and keep doing the best I could all night. 

While keeping this reading in the forefront of my mind, I ended up really leaning into my strengths, letting my fun, flirty and silly side shine, and getting blissfully lost in my "Barbie" persona. I was attracting big tippers on stage, got did 3 dances with a wonderful couple and a great tip from it, made half of my total money off of my regular, and sold several other sets of 3 dances throughout the whole evening. I was on a role, and it wasn't because I was controlling every little detail of my night. It wasn't because I was begrudgingly watching someone else go upstairs to the dance area before me. It wasn't because I was acting bored, money hungry or irritated to be there. It's because I remembered who I was, what I brought to the experience, and how to make people feel included in my fun and excited to spend time with me. I did all of that just by being myself - a mixture of Barbie & my "real" self. 

My whole point here is that we all have unique strengths, gifts and talents at the club and in our day-to-day life! I think you may be surprised to know, that my highly introverted "outside-of-work" personality is actually something I've managed to use to a great advantage at the strip club. A big part of stripping is personality and uniqueness. Not every customer wants the exact same girl over and over again, they crave variety, authenticity (to a degree - yes, we're selling a fantasy, but no you don't have to go overboard on the bullshitting, most customers know you don't think they're the hottest guy in the whole room - just saying!), and some form of true connection - even if that connection will only ever exist within the club's walls. 

I'm going to ask you all who are reading this to do a little activity for me (and mainly for you, to be honest). Get out a piece of paper, the notes app on your phone, a notebook - whatever and something to write with. Write down 3-5 skills or unique traits you have in your real life. They can be things you personally notice and love, things you get complimented on, things you've learned to be a pro at - doesn't matter. Now, do that same thing, 3-5 skills or unique traits that you have as a dancer. The next thing I want you to do is think of and write down a few ways you could implement each "real life" quality into a situation at work. Then, for the "dancer" qualities, I want you to brainstorm and record some ways you could hone these skills to be even better at work. 

Here is my example for you:

Real Life Qualities: 

• Introverted - My one-on-one conversational skills are excellent. I am great at making authentic connections and holding a safe space for people to feel seen, heard, valued and understood. I might not be the loudest girl in the room, but I can make a customer forget that anyone else even exists when they're with me, just from my undivided attention and ability to converse.
• Well-versed in a variety of topics - I may not know everything about everything, but my background has given me the opportunity to experience a variety of jobs, lifestyles, friend groups and experiences. I can typically always connect with a customer about at least a few things we've got in common.
• Witty - I have a quick and often dark sense of humor. It tends to catch people off guard but in a positive way. They're never expecting the joke I'll crack next, and making people laugh is a great way to get them comfortable with you and excited to keep the fun going.

Stripper Qualities:

• Stage Presence - I know I put on a good show, but I also know my eye contact has been lacking lately. If I can bring this back, I am sure to encourage even more people to approach, spend and possibly do VIPs with me.
• Confident Approaches - I will begin scoping out the floor at the top of each hour and scanning for customers I haven't yet spoken to. If they're not with another dancer, I will do my best to approach every single person I haven't talked to, and double back on ones I have.
• Outfit and Makeup Matching - I've recently been doing lighter makeup and not going all out with my fun and creative eyeshadow looks to match my fits. At least 3 times this week, I will put more time and effort into my appearance like I did when I was a baby stripper.

These lists can obviously be longer if you want them to be, so if you've got more to say, by all means do it! These lists are supposed to be a tangible thing you can refer back to when you experience those feelings of lost spark. When you're not feeling like a goddess queen; maybe you've had some bad nights back-to-back or you're dealing with home-life stuff that's bringing you down. Whatever the reason is, these lists should be a touchstone of confidence for you. They should remind you who the fuck you are, and what you're capable of when you put your heart and mind to it. Nobody is you. No other girl in the world brings the exact same experience you do, and that is probably one of the coolest things about our line of work. Our quirks and unique mannerisms are what help us thrive! Lean into your strengths, whether they're your "real life", "stripper" or a combo of both! 

The more I relied on what I already had inside of me that Friday night, the better my night got. As I relinquished control of the evening and handed it all over to the universe, things continued to work in my favor, over and over again. I was pleasantly surprised when I checked out that night at 11pm with half of June's rent already taken care of. I was damn near moved to tears on my drive home as I thanked the universe and myself for the incredibly abundant night I'd had. I honestly couldn't believe it. I was stunned at how well I was able to do when I allowed myself to let go and just be myself. Focusing on my strengths and positive qualities rather than focusing on why someone else was getting dances was the thing I'd have to say I was most proud of that night (and whole weekend, honestly). It had been something that was continually tripping me up and causing fissures in my confidence. I would spend hours of each shift wondering "why wasn't that me?" instead of just silently congratulating the other dancer in my head and going about my business, knowing my turn would be coming soon. 

By the time Sunday night ended, I felt like a new woman entirely. I’d followed the guidance of the tarot through all three of my weekend shifts, and it had paid off in spades. The funniest part? I wasn’t a new woman—I was just me. Authentically, unapologetically me. My strengths and successes didn’t hinge on any other dancer, or how late I got my first dance, or how many stage tips I pulled. They came from trusting that I was already enough. Enough to pull customers in, to keep them laughing, spending, intrigued, and wanting more. This weekend will be one I come back to whenever those gut-punch moments of self-doubt creep in—and I hope you do too. You are enough, just as you are. You already hold the power, the magick, the spark. Your uniqueness is your strength. Own it.